September 11, 2011

The following was written the morning or 9/11/11.   With Wall Street now occupied, a Jobs Bills stonewalled and the next budget battle looming it seemed more than time to post it.

I woke up this morning afraid of you.  You were driving alone in a pick up on an Indiana blacktop … taking the stage before a crowd in New York City … feeding oatmeal to your ten month old at a Starbucks in the Panhandle … waking in a warm bed on a silver Sunday in the Pacific Northwest and then rolling back to sleep when you remembered that you did not have to work that day … and there and then you were afraid of me too.  It took us ten years to get here, but by that morning all we had to do was to think about each other – the wrong-headed ideas I was sure you had, the plot you somehow thought I was hatching against your class, the words we twisted from what we heard each other say - and we were afraid.   You were afraid that I was up to no good, and I was afraid of you.  

We had climbed from the rubble of those buildings into the arms of rescuers marching into the righteousness of two wars arm-in-arm believing in justice and confidently spending our nation’s blood and our people’s money until the blood soaked our feet and the money hemorrhaged from a hole in our banks and we saw but would not believe that our leaders had lied to us and the banks had cheated us and then - with no other choice and because we had realized that this was an enemy not of the greatest generation but of the worst - we turned on each other; you turned against the god of my beliefs and I turned against the god of yours, and, unlike any America we had ever know since a nation divided against itself could not stand, we began to hate and fear each other while the devil laid on a dirty mattress in a third-world high rise clutching a cell phone and laughing at us across eternity because he had accomplished what he had planned all along.

Do you see the trail from there to here?  Does it sound simple to you to say that we have come to hate and fear each other because no one in ten years has been able to find a real enemy we can defeat?   Do you feel tricked and outgunned when you realize that you have been taken advantage of by politicians of all persuasions who knowing that they cannot lead us have chosen instead to use and divide us simply so they can put us in their pockets?  Is it clear to you that Red States and Blue, Tea Parties and Freedom Marches, Budget Ceiling Standoffs and Stock Market Crashes really only exist because I don’t trust you and you don’t trust me?   When you woke up on that morning of September 11, 2011 did it occur to you that the thing we need to fear most now is our fear of each other?

I am not the faceless face of your enemy and you are not a nightmare threatening my American dream.  When I search my soul I know that all you want is to eat and be sheltered and live in peace and if you look into my heart you will see the same longings in me.  The sun shines, strength abides, love is eternal and I cannot take that from you nor can you take it from me.   Remember.  We said the buildings would rise again and so they have.  Remember.  Ten years ago we knew were all brothers and sisters and had to do it together or not at all.  Remember. When we compromise with each other we are not giving in to an enemy, we are giving in to America and giving back to ourselves.

Top 5 Best Selling iPad Apps for Hard Times

 App #1

Garbage Grab Gourmet

[Humiliatingly] Free

Description

Just because the U.S. social safety net has completely failed you and you’ve hit rock bottom doesn’t mean your palette has to suffer. 

From the dumpster to your streetlamp-wired hot plate to a finished epicurean feast that will satisfy the most discerning of distended stomachs, Garbage Grab Gourmet teaches you how to turn ingredients scrounged from every day trash into fine dining on the go.  

Gourmet Recipes Include:

·         * Lemon Skin Braised Crunchy Chicken Ribs with Squishy Tomato Glaze

·         * Chilean Cow Fat Flambé in Roasted Watermelon Rinds

·         * Runny Flan Apple Core Surprise

What the Celebrity Chefs are saying about Garbage Grab Gourmet:

“I once ate the raw scrotum of a Bangkok river rat served to me on a bamboo skewer, but even I wouldn’t touch this stuff… Hey, fuck you - coming from me that’s a compliment.”  - Anthony Bourdain

“I may be dead, but I’m not as dead as some of the ingredients you’ll use in Garbage Grab Gourmet … Bon Appetite!”  - Julia Child

“365 days, 365 garbage cans, no repeats - this is gonna’ be the next big thing in real American cooking.”  - Rachel Ray

Top 5 Best Selling iPad Apps for Hard Times

 App #2 

Prostitutipedia HD

$*

Description

The definitive App for the desperate career enthusiast facing a shrinking mass of traditional vocational choices.  

Prostitutipedia is the ultimate compendium of ways for you to sell your body in the face of economic hardships.

DID YOU KNOW THAT…?

-       A single testicle can fetch up to $10,000 on the black market!

-       Jazz whistlers in Tokyo will pay you for your saliva!

-       Some Saudi Arabian business men will write a blank check for just ten minutes of sex with you and a blood relative of your choice!

-       Your toenail clippings can fetch up to $400 an ounce from the right foot fetishist!

-       New trade agreements with the EU no longer make it a crime for American’s abroad to attempt to sell human organs removed under a doctor’s supervision!

-       Many pornographers work from home and pay NO State sales tax!

-       In some Mexican brothels you don’t even have to have teeth to get hired!

HD FEATURES MAKE IT REAL

• Select from over 1000 legal and illegal schemes with pictures and video that show you what’s in store for you  
•  Upload your own pictures and graphics and then cut and paste yourself into the action
•  Filter categories and career opportunities to find the least distasteful choice that’s right for you
• Search thousands of prospects, organizations and syndicates looking for you and your body parts - Pimp My BodÒ feature lets’ you name your price 
•  100% Guaranteed “Happy Ending” or your money back

★ MAKES A GREAT GIFT FOR THAT RECENT GRAD

★ WINNER OF THE 2011 RNC ‘AMERICAN PLUCK’ AWARD!

* You’re not a cop are you?

Top 5 Best Selling iPad Apps for Hard Times

App #3

“Foreclose This” Pro

Free*

Description

The bankers are coming for the house; but you’ve got a plan …and a shotgun to go with it.

THE LENDERS DONE YOU WRONG!

You had a credit score so low your own mother wouldn’t lend to you … but the bank gave you a mortgage anyway.

You told ‘em you couldn’t afford to pay it back, but they laughed and told you they’d take it easy on you with interest-only payments and an adjustable rate loan that you could take “a hundred years” to pay off if you wanted to.

So you signed on the dotted line and that’s when you found out that you and the entire country were about to take a fall.

WHO’S LAUGHING NOW!

Get comfortable on your pixilated weed-infested, unfinished circular driveway and WATCH THOSE LENDER’S FACES as you take aim when they pull up with the sheriff.

Enjoy 360 degree range of fire with REALISTIC SHELL EJECTION and DOUBLE BARREL SOUND.

FIRE ENDLESSLY in practice mode as lenders duck, dance and crawl for cover.

CHOOSE from debt-forgiveness and hostage styles of play.

Join the fun online and CREATE A VIRTUAL ARMY with millions of other angry ex-home owners all over the U.S. and all fantasizing about getting even.

Pro Version Add-Ons Include

• Bonus Pack with over 10 million foreclosed homes to choose from

• Hyper-link to Real Estate Agent Business Card Picture Target Galler

• Unscrupulous Contractor Slave Chamber with realistic hammer and tong

• Federal Home Own Bailout Button with sarcastic clown laugh and pop up, middle finger, “F You And Your Bailout” repeating action

* No money down – Buyer assumes all taxes, assessments and penalty fees, interest only for 10 day trial period with $250,000 principle payment due 11 days after signing  -  Sponsored by United  Usurers  of America, LLC; Member IMF, FHA, FHLMC, FDIC, NRA, NJ Teamster Local 883 and Federated Casino Workers of Greater Singapore.

Top 5 Best Selling iPad Apps for Hard Times

App #4

I'm Employed! (Deluxe)

$.99

Description

Out of work for more than 18 months?  Run out of federal unemployment insurance extensions?  Well you just got hired and it’s the job of your dreams!

No more fighting for one job against hundreds of other applicants who would kill you for health benefits.

No grueling series of endless interviews where you lose out to someone willing to work for a warm place to sit during the day.

No more laying around naked under a dirty blanket while you stare out the window jealous of the Mexican teenagers who get to shingle your neighbor’s roof.

You’re a fully employed executive now, and you can never get laid off again!

Deluxe Feature Highlights

• Reorganize, merge and hire and fire at will
•   Import endless bonuses and stock options 
• High resolution salary checks (as large as you can spend ‘em)
• 'Hyper-lawyer’ button for instant acquittal from illegal business activity charges
• Sixteen different executive modes to choose from including: Ball Buster; Mr. Passive Aggressive; The Delegator; MicroMangler; and “Da Pimp” 

Customer Reviews

1.  Powerful

“I once tripped a pregnant woman on her way to interview for a job I wanted, but now I can spend my time staring at my iPad in a heroin-like haze pretending I don’t have to use food stamps to feed my kids.”

2.  Awesome Awesomenesssss!

“One minute I’m dumpster diving for trash I can sell to pay my rent, and the next I’m firing a whole division of US workers so I can ship their jobs to Cambodia  – More Please.”

3.  An American Epic

“Well worth the purchase price.  Being able to look safely out the window of a corner office at unemployed workers rioting in the streets of Boston or San Francisco gives you a little boost that makes you want to scream ‘God Bless America’ …What a deal.”

More ▼

Top 5 Best Selling iPad Apps for Hard Times

 App #5

Fantasy Fed

$2.99

Description

You’re in charge of the U.S. Economy!  That’s right; the fiscal health of America is in your hands.

STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF BILLIONAIRES

Turn up the sound and hear your own crashing footsteps and God-like laugh as you walk “The Street” while brokers and bankers avert their eyes.   

MESS WITH THE MINDS OF U.S. PRESIDENTS AND POLITICIANS

Drop wizard-like into the virtual Senate and watch the President cower as you speak; then take the leader of the free world to dinner and see him jump as you pat your pockets pretending you’ll get the check.

CREATE YOUR OWN BUBBLES … THEN WATCH ‘EM POP

Bankers taken enough money out of those housing and stock bubbles you created?  Well just raise the prime, Mr. Fed, and watch those bubbles pop - virtual bubble solution and giant bubble wand included to create your own housing, stock, gold, and sub-prime market bubbles.

SPIN THE WHEEL OF IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE!

Feeling a little sluggish today because of the worst U.S. economy since the Great Depression?  Well it looks like someone forgot they were running the show!!  True life carnival sights and sounds put you at the center of an economic sideshow where there’s a sucker born every minute and you can spin until the rise in U.S. consumer credit card debt makes you giddy with delight.

CREATE PRIME RATE FEVER

Keep America guessing and wet your pants laughing as you play with the prime.   4%?  10%?  How about No%?  That’s right charge whatever you want.  You don’t have to stop until we’ve been forced to mortgage every last national park to the Chinese.**  

(** Available only in Deluxe Mandarin Edition with “Fat Yankee” Inflatable National Debt Feature)

What’s new in Version 1.0.1  

•  Fixed Market Crash issues on Debt-Ceiling debate start-up

• Resolved stability problems with U.S. Constitutional Amendment module 

 

 

This is the first in a 5 part series of "the top 5 best selling apps for hard times as reported in Online Scammers Magazine ... Next Week - App #4: "I'm Employed! (Deluxe)"

Cell Mates

“Is that better, Mother, can you hear me? … I’m in the airport in New York … Yes, Mother, It’s evening here … No, Mother, I haven’t seen any terrorists … Well I wouldn’t know, Mother, but they have security for that … Dogs that sniff for bombs, that sort of thing … No, Mother, I don’t know where the dogs go to the bathroom … … No, not till Tuesday … What? … Yes, I did, Mother, I told you I’d be back in Bangalore on Tuesday … What? … No, there a lot of other people around me talking on their phones  ... Yes, Mother, I’m praying … I pray all the time … Yes, mother, I pray while I’m working ...

... God damn it, Charlie, I can’t do a thing about it right now … Because I’m in an airport  … Yes Charlie, Max Balzenger is an asshole but, then again, you might act like an asshole too if your accountant got you strip searched at your audit … Yeah, Charley, it’s always a bad idea to use sarcasm with IRS agents … No, Charlie, I don’t think I would have told them to go easy on Max because he had a bad temper and could have a concealed weapon ... Yes, even if I had a smile on my face when I said it …  YES, EVEN  IF I MEANT IT AS  A FUCKING JOKE  …Well then take a God damn Xanax, Charley, but stop whining  … 

... What Doctor? … I’m sorry, I’m in an airport and there’s a lot of noise around me … I said there’s a lot of other phone calls going on around me … No, I know you told me the tests came back negative ... Well one time a doctor said that to a cousin of mine and three months later they found a tumor inside her the size of a Mr. Potato Head... No, I’m not exaggerating, the surgeon used those exact words, he said "it was the size of a Mr. Potato Head." ... Other tests?  Why do we need to do other tests? ...  Look, doctor, you can tell me, how long do you think I have? ...  Forty of fifty years  ...?

… Hi, Dixie, it’s Daddy … No, I can’t guess, what did you do today? … Well, did Stewart like the lunch you made him? … Really … Does Mommy know that Stewart threw up in her purse … Well did you take everything out before you put it in the shower? … Yes, Dixie, keys and money are waterproof, but cell phones are not …  No, those are other people talking on their phones … Yes, some are probably talking to their children  … … Yes, Dixie, I know when I’m old you and you call me from an airport wouldn’t make me tell mommy if I did something wrong … 

… Peggy, I swear to God I wish she would just die … Oh, yes, I really I do, I want her to die and then I want Johnny to go to her funeral and see that’s she dead so he won’t text her … Because she threw herself on him at the wedding …  No, he was like ‘Oh, I haven’t seen her in so long, isn’t she cute…’ and I was like ‘yeah, cute, if you think a 35 year old with her boobs hanging out is cute.’ … He went to the bathroom … Well for all I know she followed him and is in there with him … I know … I still wish she would die … I don’t care if they can hear me; you think I’m the only depressed woman in this airport … ?

… Yes, Mother, I’m happy … Yes, Mother, even without a husband … No, Mother I don’t want you to introduce me to Aunty Baba’s Brother’s business partner’s son … I don’t care if he did design a cell phone app that lets you do surgery using kitchen tools … No, It doesn’t make me feel better to know that he’s a real doctor … No, Mother, it wouldn’t matter if I met him at his office …  

…  Yes, Charley, yes you are, the first thing in the morning you’re going to meet Max at his office and beg him not to fire us … No, Charlie, I’m not your mother, you’re going to go by yourself … Well go to a doctor if you feel sick Charlie, but one way or the other you’re still going to go meet Max as soon as his office opens in the morning …

… Do you think you could see me when your office opens in the morning, Doctor? … Well not actual pain, pain, more like a dull ache everywhere in my body … A couple of days?  I don’t think I can wait a couple of days … No, I don’t  think it’s all in my head …  Look Doctor, I’m not one of those crazy people who makes things up and then starts  to talk to themselves …   

… Yes, Dixie, people on their cell phones do look like they’re talking to themselves … Yes it is kind of funny … No, I don’t think it will make mommy feel any better to think of that before you tell her you put her cell phone in the shower … Because we need our cell phones, Dixie …   Well, for one thing if you took my cell phone I wouldn’t be able to talk to you anymore when I’m away … 

… Because Peggy, If I took his cell phone he wouldn’t be able to talk with her anymore … Yes, I know she’ll be a thousand miles away, but she’s such a whore she’ll probably start texting him pictures of her boobs … “Woops, how stupid of me … I just took a picture of my tits …”  Look, let’s just  … 

… Talk about something else, Mother … Yes, of course, Mother, it’s every woman’s dream to die alone and childless … No Mother, I’m being sarcastic … Well, Mother, I don’t really care if men find sarcasm unattractive in a girl … Because right now I don’t want …

… A man, Charley … Just be a fucking man … Well, we could just fire you, Charley that would solve all our problems … … yes, assholes like Max Balzenger do like to see other people in pain but in this case you can understand why he might want to see you in … 

… Pain, Doctor, I’m really in pain … Yes, I know I told you it was more like a dull ache, but now I’m really feeling pain again … Well if I leave the airport to check myself into the emergency room, I’m going to miss my flight …  Look, Doctor, if you’d just let me make an appointment, I’ll  …

… See you first thing in the morning, Dixie, and we’ll tell mommy together … Yes we will, Dixie.  If you haven’t told her by then we’ll tell her together … No, Dixie it can’t just be our little secret like the time you ate Skittles for breakfast … Because this is …

… Different than that, Peggy … Well, first I don’t dress like a prostitute and second I only texted Alan a couple of times because I felt sorry for him after he divorced his wife … No, I don’t think she feels sorry for Johnny … Are you saying that she should feel sorry for him because of me, is that what you’re …  

… Saying, Mother, that I should get married before I get blown up by a terrorist?  … Okay, mother I have to go now … Because they’ll be calling my flight soon … No, I’m not just trying to …

… Get off the phone now, Charlie … … No, I won’t stay on the phone with you until the Xanax kicks in … Look , Charley, just get some sleep because tomorrow  at 9 a.m. …

… When you open, I’ll just come by your office and see if you have a cancellation … That’s okay I can wait; I have the whole day off … Well, that’s not ….  

... Very nice of you to say to me, young lady … Because, I don’t think putting the cell phone in the dryer is going to help … No, I’m not yelling … That’s the announcement that …  

… They’re calling my flight, Peggy … No, he’s not back yet … I don’t know, Peggy, how do you get a boyfriend whose texting his ex-girlfriend in the toilet to come out so he won’t …

… Miss the flight, Mother, and not …

… Get there tomorrow, Charley …

… To see you in the morning, Doctor, and …

 … Talk with you when I get home, Dixie …

… To show me that cares, Peggy …  

…  And, tell me that … 

… What happened to you …

…  Is embarrassing and a painful, but nobody …

…  Else has to know, because we …

…  Should keep this little situation … 

…  Just ...

…  Between …

 … You …

…  And …

… Me.