This Just In: Spring!

PLATTEVILLE, WI – A Platteville man was detained by Police today after neighbors spotted him riding naked down the street on his John Deere lawn tractor. Police would not comment on the matter pending investigation, but neighbors interviewed reported that 57 year old Mike Winkleman had begun acting strangely as recently as late last month. “The wife and I saw him out there during the last snow storm trying to run over his snow blower with an SUV – the thing had stalled in the middle of the driveway and he just went nuts, crying and screaming something about ‘the season that Satan had brought’,” said Ned Puckerson, a long time Platteville resident. “I guess the winter just got to Mike so that when spring finally came he got so excited he couldn’t hold it in any longer and he just cracked.” Other neighbors reported that they could hear Winkleman making “inappropriate comments” to the lawn tractor just before he allegedly rubbed his body against the rear of the device, stripped off his clothes and then mounted the tractor to ride it across his lawn and out onto the street where he resides.

Platteville Journal, April 2, 2010


ORANGE, CT - In what onlookers described as the most bizarre act of animal behavior they had ever witnessed, a cat was seen here today attempting to mate with a full grown Springer Spaniel. The cat, a male Canadian Hairless named Tootsie, had reportedly chased the confused and frightened dog along the fence line of its owner’s property until the cowering Spaniel became too tired to move and ultimately succumbed to the cat’s advances. When questioned about the incident Florence Depgen, the owner of both the cat and dog, seemed not to be too surprised. “Oh that’s just Tootsie being Tootsie,” she said. “He’s such a little love at this time of year. Yes, he can get a bit hormonal at the beginning of the spring but if Hildegard could talk, I believe she’d tell you that once she gives in she actually kind of enjoys it.” In related news, two female squirrels, a ground hog and full grown male deer were spotted today in the parking lot of the Milford Mall rubbing their bodies against each other and writhing on the warm asphalt in what one Animal Control specialist described as “what the spring mating season might look like at the end of the world.”

The New Haven Register, April 7, 2010


MOUNTAIN VIEW , CA – Investigators say that a 43 year old wife and mother of four was found today approximately 400 miles from home with a lap top computer and 200 pairs of new shoes in a harbor side San Diego motel where she had been living since disappearing on April Fool’s day. The woman, Patty Flapcastle, was known by everyone in the idyllic town of Mountain View as a “churchgoing woman and a perfect wife and mother,” until the first week of spring when her husband and children report that she began “parading around the house in skinny jeans and a tube top that really didn’t fit her properly.” Apparently, Mrs. Flapcastle had not made dinner or done any food shopping for more than a week and when asked by her husband and children when they might expect their next meal, she smiled blankly and simply drove away in her Chevy Suburban. When questioned by police, the proprietor of the Happy Sailor motel where Mrs. Flapcastle was found is quoted as saying, “This gal really seems to have slipped her chain. The maids tell me that she spent a lot of time searching Facebook for old boyfriends and when she did leave the room I heard that she cleaned out a bunch of the local shoe stores before going down to the pier to stop sailors and write her cell phone number on the backs of their hands.” Local police say that that they haven’t seen a case of spring fever this pronounced since April of 1943 when a desperate 36 year old woman accosted an 85 year old wheelchair bound priest after every other eligible man in town had been drafted.

San Jose Mercury News – April 9, 2010


BERNE, NY – A row of vacant lots next to a housing development was the scene today of Mother Nature gone mad when a small field of dormant Honey Suckle, Clematis and English ivy exploded overnight to completely cover five adjacent houses. “We opened our window to do our spring cleaning and it was as if a flowering, leafy wall of destruction had been built around our property,” said Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Bolognese. “We couldn’t even get out the front door. It took us almost nine hours to hack our way out to our car and when we finally got back into the house the ivy had already made its way up the stairs and into the bathroom where it was wrapping itself around the toilet.” Other affected home owners say they cannot cut down the spring growth fast enough and many have decided to simply abandon their homes for safer climates. “I have to get away from this spring insanity once and for all,” said 68 year old Matilda Furblad. “A lot of my friends have retired to Florida to be someplace warm, but that’s just crazy. I mean during spring they have swamp weeds down there that grow as fast and big as freight trains. I’m too old to be in a fight to the death with an Asparagus Fern so I’m moving someplace frozen where nothing green can grow and the Honey Suckle that I found in bed with me this morning will never find me again.”

Albany Times Union – April 13, 2010


NEEDHAM, PA and SOUTH BEACH, FL - the days between late March and mid April – filled with spring breaks and long weekends - are generally acknowledged as the unofficial start of the spring season for millions of children and young adults throughout the United States. Less acknowledged, however, is the toll that the hormonal activities and sexual escapades of spring can take on teachers, parents and local law enforcement. No one knows this better than Missy Higgins, a fifth grade teacher in Needham, Massachusetts, “At this time of year, the kids just go off their rockers,” says Elliot. “I had one eleven year old boy actually run up the side of a wall and hang off the top of a light fixture for a couple of seconds before falling to the floor in hysterics. And the girls are no better. The giggling and squealing that goes on every time one of them looks a picture of that anorexic teenage idiot-boy from Twilight is enough to make you want to stick a pencil in your ear. Sometimes I wish I could put the whole class to sleep with a low dose of sedatives.” Elsewhere, in Florida spring break hotspots from South Beach to Miami, romantically supercharged teens and twenty-somethings have been found in the most improbable places, apparently incapable of stopping themselves from fondling each other’s bodies. “We found one pair of them inside the hotel’s walk in freezer,” said Sergeant Horace Espinoza of the South Beach police. “They were nearly frozen solid and we had to separate the boy’s head from the girl’s chest with the hot water sprayer at the dishwashing station. Then there was another pair of them that we found - so help me God - at the bottom of the pool taking turns breathing heavily through a garden hose.” But it is Bob Piddlebuck, a dentist in Needham, MA, who seems to have summed it up most succinctly when he said, “I’ve have three kids between the ages of 12 and 20 years old and when spring rolls around each year I want to hide under the hatch of my Bilco cellar door. I mean spring is a beautiful season and all, but sometimes - between being called into school to talk to my kid’s teachers and the Massachusetts State Police extraditing one of my kids back from Florida - it’s so beautiful that I can hardly stand it.”

US A Today – April 16, 2010