BP Drilling for Salt Water
With sea water in the Gulf of Mexico and two-thirds of the world’s oceans now completely replaced with oil from its still-gushing underwater well, BP today said that since two-decade’s worth of attempts to completely cap the well have failed, it will now begin drilling the ocean floor to look for salt water which will be pumped back into the Gulf; this in a last ditch effort to correct the environmental disaster that began more than 20 years ago last month. PAGE 10A
Still No Place like Home for 2010 Graduates
Although still out of work from the effects of the great recession of 2008 coupled with the negative economic impact from having the world’s oceans replaced with crude oil, more than 90 percent of the now middle-aged graduating class of 2010 report they are still “very happy” living at home with their parents who have had to continue to work into their 80’s and 90’s to support their aging children. PAGE 14A
Republican Cheer “Suck and Fill” Bill
The Republican Party, once severely critical of the Obama administration’s failure to control the massive oil spill off the Louisiana coast, today celebrated the passage of the “Suck and Fill” Bill which allows motorists in all 25 coastal US States to pay for the right to suck their own unrefined petroleum directly from oil-rich waterways for personal use in specially designed crude oil burning vehicles; the measure is expected to produce trillions in tax revenues which Democratic law makers vow to use to clean the massive influx of pollution from the new, unregulated oil-burning cars and trucks. PAGE A23
INTERNATIONAL
Asian Engineers Turn Oil into Gold
While out of work US adults ranging in age from 20 to 50 are becoming increasingly unproductive living at home with their parents, over one billion unemployed but enterprising scientists and engineers now living in India, Japan and China have discovered that oil washing up on beaches and riverbanks can be used to turn a profit in surprising ways ranging from use in homemade skin creams and soda pop to the manufacture of counterfeit gold Rolex watches and 64 GB WiFi enabled iPads, all using makeshift techniques developed in labs and engineering facilities long ago abandoned by the world’s failing corporations . PAGE C4
“Axis of Evil” Said to be Developing Grease Bomb
With UN and diplomatic efforts over the last 20 years having thus far prevented the spread of nuclear weapons in the Middle East and parts of Asia, international intelligence agencies now report that North Korea, Iraq and Iran are all in the process of developing so-called “grease bombs” which reportedly pack the oil sludge now commonly found as far as 20 miles inland into long range tactical missiles that can spread the sludge over cities and towns as far as 1000 miles inland. PAGE C12
LIVING
Bankers Now Truly Filthy Rich
Now that Republican lawmakers have succeeded in repealing the last of the banking policies put into place with Democratic oversight, bankers and financial executives again reaping astronomical profits from unregulated investments are searching for creative ways in which to spend them – one outlet they have found are so-called “Oil Resorts,” luxury spas where the super rich can now truly become filthy rich by lolling in wave pools filled with oil and where chefs barbecue dolphins and pelicans over giant oil-fueled barbecue pits. PAGE B28
BUSINESS
Health Care, Who Cares
For years health care was one of the top concerns of American families and a vast source of revenue for insurance conglomerates, but with oil having permeating the national consciousness in the same way it has permeated oceans and rivers, many Americans are turning to these same insurance conglomerates for “oil policies” which insure their homes and property from rapidly advancing seas of oil – Government officials in partnership with insurance corporations have been quick to dub this “not your father’s oil policy,” seeing it as a way to demonstrate that they finally have an oil policy that addresses the needs of the American people. PAGE C28
ENTERTAINMENT
“Chico and the Oil Cam” Becomes Longest Running Web Video Feed Sit Com
Alessandra Stanley reviews the final episode of the twentieth season of “Chico and the Oil Cam” where drilling rig supervisor Chico and his team of bumbling underpaid and undocumented aliens from 16 countries work in scuba gear using waterproof cement mixers and submergible wheel barrows in another last ditch attempt to plug a gushing oil well – hilarity ensues; produced by BP Productions, this show is the world’s longest running and highest rated live web video feed sit com. PAGE D6
hilarious and tragically prophetic
ReplyDeleteHoward
Before I post a little different perspective, let me be clear that the oil spill in the Gulf is a tragic event for the environment and every effort needs to be made to find creative ways to help remediate that environment. However, this tragedy casts a long shadow that will be felt on many different levels. First, let's not forget that several people died on that rig. No one, especially BP, wanted this to happen. Second, BP will clearly lose hundreds of millions (if not a billion or more) dollars as a result of this. This kind of loss is big. Even to a company as large as BP. Third, BP's shareholders will lose value (many, I suspect, to their retirement accounts). Clearly, the businesses (e.g., fishing and tourism) in the area (and its a huge area) will be hit hard.
ReplyDeleteThe real question that needs to be looked at is whether this is a foreseeable event that could have been prevented? I suspect that this was not simply a matter of corporate greed and negligence. I suspect that many multiple things had to have gone wrong on that oil rig for this to have happend - not just one or two. I also suspect that the big oil companies and private entrepreneurs are probably now fast at work developing new technologies (e.g deep sea fail safe vales and such) that will reduce the risk of this happening at other sites.
The real long term answer is developing a more aggressive strategy with the goal to radically reduce our dependence on oil and switch to safer, more environmentally friendly renewable and affordable energy sources. That day, however, is I fear, not close at hand.
Kurt
Just some thoughts ...
Well said, Kurt. However, until the day comes when the long term solutions are in place to prevent this from ever happening again, we have to be able to laugh at the falicy of it all, if not to release the tension of the moment, than just to keep ourselves from crying in despair.
ReplyDelete