The Crazy Days of Summer

Riverside Hospital
Behavioral Health Center
Weekly Admission Report
Monday, July 5 – Sunday, July 11, 2010


Patient #RH70510m1
53 Year old male, Nicholas Z. presented with neurotic tendencies arising from an inability to water his lawn due to drought restrictions. Patient reports having spent over $35,000 on lawn care and a computerized sprinkler system and was admitted by his wife after she found him laying face down weeping onto the grass. Mr. Z told doctors he hoped his tears would help his dying Kentucky Blue Grass and High Fescue Mix. Sedatives have been prescribed and Patient is now noticeably calmer although medication was adjusted after Patient began running back and forth behind the nurse’s station in an attempt to adjust imaginary sprinkler heads. Patient told nurses that, “The grass needs to be green ... green god dam it ... green I tell you ...” but was ultimately restrained by orderlies pretending to be illegal immigrants who had come to cut the Patient’s lawn and adjust his sprinkler system.

Patient #RH70510m2
42 year old mother, Dianna S admitted herself at 9 a.m. on Monday saying she believed that her 12 year old daughter had been trying to kill her by repeating the words “I’m bored” thousands of times over the three week period since the girl’s school year ended. Apparently the Patient was able to remain calm for the better part of the first three weeks of her daughter’s summer vacation but finally snapped earlier this week when she threatened to send her daughter to “a farm, where they make children work all summer picking cotton under the hot sun in their bare feet alongside wagons pulled by farting goats.” Patient told the admitting psychiatrist that she wouldn’t have really sent her daughter to a farm but “would it have killed her to read a book or go outside or help me with a little house work?” The daughter was also interviewed by the hospital social worker who decided to end the session when the girl would only respond to her questions with the phrase “I’m bored.”

Patient #RH70710w1
22 year old male, Charles P - recently graduated with a degree in history from Petersburg College - admitted after his parents found him feeding his Burger Barn uniform into a wood chipper. Doctors have determined that the Patient is suffering from “Latent Reality Syndrome” characterized by the Patient’s inability to face the fact that his college diploma isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on and that he has to now get a real job. Parents also told the attending psychiatrist that their son spends long stretches searching his dresser for drugs that may have been left over from high school and attempting to contact his fraternity brothers “so they can start a band or get drunk or pick up girls or something.” Patient’s mother also reports that Mr. P has been attempting to crawl into bed at night with his parents “just like he used to do when he was a very little boy and was scared because he thought there was a monster in his closet.”

Patient #RH710810t1
17 year old female, Cindy T admitted to emergency room with burns on her thighs, buttocks and back after paramedics had to pry her from the seat of her 1987 Dodge coup which had been sitting in one hundred degree heat at the edge of her parent’s driveway. Patient had been wearing nothing but flip flops and a two piece bathing suit which the admitting physician reported “wouldn’t have had enough material to make a couple of eye patches for a midget.” Miss T was treated for her burns and released from emergency care but then admitted to the Behavioral Health Center when she could not be restrained from removing her bathing suit to take cell phone pictures of her burns which she then planned on posting to Facebook so her boyfriend “wouldn’t forget about her when she while she was gone.” Attending psychiatrist diagnosed Patient with nervous exhaustion brought on by heat stroke and an obsession with having to get to the beach to prevent “all those little summer sluts from getting their dirty hands on” her boyfriend.

Patient #RH70910sa1
35 year old male, Marty N was brought in by ambulance from his job as a salesman and admitted after hallucinating that he was the last man on earth who was still working. Apparently Mr. N had been unable to make his monthly quota after repeatedly receiving automatic email replies and voice mail messages telling him that the person he was trying to reach was on summer vacation. Attending Psychiatrist reports that Patient spent the first three hours in the observation ward incessantly turning his pockets inside out and mumbling, “I’m sorry, Gary, I’m really, really, really sorry, but I just don’t think there’s anyone left anywhere to sell anything to.” Attempts were made to contact the Patient’s boss, Gary K, however automatic email and voice mail replies informed hospital staff that Mr. K would be away on vacation for the remainder of the month of July.


Weekly Summary
This week’s patients are all making good progress and no serious complications have arisen. Behavior Health Unit administrative and medical staff are all performing satisfactorily. Doctors, Nurses and administrative staff all report that patient load levels are acceptable and that they are all “just happy to still be working in an air conditioned building in July.” New programs being tested to lessen seasonal summer stress for staff include: “take your liquor to work day” where doctors and nurses bring in tequila, margarita mix and crushed ice on Friday’s and then drink heavily while watching patients act out the neurosis, fantasy or hallucination of their choosing; and “Summer Sanity Sundays” where medical and admin staff gather in the hospital chapel and pray desperately that that the summer won’t get to them in the same way it’s gotten to the people who they’ve had to admit the previous week.