From the Desk of . . .
Senator Alvin Blackmore
Republican - Missouri
Re: Budget Saving Measures
I am tickled pink to report the phenomenal success of the right-to-life law that has recently been passed in my home district of Jefferson City, Missouri. In fact, so many poor, destitute and single pregnant women in Jefferson City have now surprisingly chosen to have their babies rather than be made to listen to the heartbeats and a detailed description of their unborn fetuses (along with a gruesome account of the termination procedure which local officials “recommend” that doctors whisper in the expectant woman’s ear) that it has actually given me cause to think of how we might use this same strategy to shrink the enormous budget deficit brought on by our godless democratic colleagues as they break faith with the American people by spending government money to care for the sick and feed and house the poor even as hard-working Republican citizens go to church and pay our salaries.
I say this - if forcing a socially deprived, desperate woman to listen to a heartbeat or the description of an ultrasound will cause her to keep her baby, imagine how we might use this same psychology to cut billions of hard-earned dollars from our federal deficit.
To wit, I propose that we immediately consider the following legislation:
The Blackmore Expired Food Amendment – This amendment to the food stamp program would make it mandatory that anyone applying for food stamps first starve their children and/or themselves for a period of two weeks before being allowed to register for the program. After that, they would be allowed to apply for a one month trial period upon which they would receive an allotment of food stamps that could only be used to buy foods that have passed their expiration date (preferably eggs, milk and cheeses that are more than three months old). While this measure may seem harsh, only the truly destitute and hungry will likely stay with the program long enough to make them eligible for the “Food Stamp Elite Access Program,” entitling them to pay 80 cents for one dollar’s worth of food stamps and saving the government hundreds of billions in this program alone.
The Blackmore Medieval Medicine Measure – Millions of illegal aliens, drug addicts and just plain lazy unemployed individuals are sucking money from federal health programs by entering government funded hospitals and treatment facilities simply because they won’t pull themselves together or because they insist on working long hours in poor conditions at sub-minimum wage jobs. Imagine the surprise of these folks when they find out that – in order to receive federal health care – they will have to allow doctors to examine and treat them using techniques that date back to the 15th and 16th century. For instance, if a drug addict were to apply for government sponsored rehab - under this new federal program he would be confined to a rat infested cell with the criminally insane where a priest cloaked in a black hood would perform an exorcism on him while forcing hot wax down his throat. Or let’s say an undocumented alien were to walk into a government clinic with a badly mangled arm caused by operating heavy machinery in an illegal sweatshop; he or she would be anesthetized by placing a leather helmet on his head and then being hit repeatedly with a wooden mallet prior to having the arm amputated with a rusty sickle. While this bill may further the accusations that we Republicans are cruel and heartless, we will not, nor should we deny care to anyone truly in need. If those in need don’t want to have leeches placed on them to treat their asthma that’s simply their choice (and the federal government’s gain).
The Blackmore Boondoggle Bill – Who among us likes to work? Not me, that’s for sure. Well if this psychology motivates all of us why not use it on those who are seeking federal unemployment benefits. You want to collect an unemployment check? No problem. We’ll give it to you and you won’t even need to qualify or answer a single question. All you have to do to get the money is agree to take a trip at the government’s expense to a remote, undisclosed Island in the Arctic Ocean off the coast of Siberia. Your unemployment checks will be forwarded to a PO office box in Moscow and you can pick them up anytime you feel you’ve taken enough from other Americans who have to work for a living. Once again, lest we Republicans be thought of as heartless, the American people will be encouraged to think of this as a working vacation where all they need to do to earn their money is to relax on sheets of black ice surrounded by hungry polar bears. Remember we are compassionate conservatives and it’s the least we can do for those who are stressed out by not being able to find a job, not to mention what this will do for currently employed American’s who will have their hours cut and have to work much less as unemployment rolls drop by 85% in the first year alone.
The Blackmore ‘Share’ Housing Act – Remember the days when your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and even a boarder or two lived with you and your family in your tenement apartment? Well, neither do I, but I’m sure that millions of Americans do fondly remember these quaint depression era stories and are probably longing for the good old days. This act would bring them back while also allowing us to continue helping our failing banks and domestic car companies with bailout money that would preserve executive salaries. We are not asking people to come to us to seek housing, but if they have to why not further the concept of America as a melting pot and allow people of all races, creeds and social backgrounds to live together in single family federal apartment units. No more than four families of six people each would have to share a single unit and we would ensure that the apartments were ethnically integrated without bias toward religion or national origins. For instance, those of Pakistani and Indian origin as well as Christian, Muslim and Jewish families would live together in one big happy cooperative apartment. And in the true spirit of America no one would be turned away from the program or evicted, even if tensions rise (as they sometimes do in big happy families).
Note, at present the above are just for your consideration and are in need of funding for further study. Funding we may be able to acquire as budgets are freed up when the recently passed Blackmore Send Your Child to Work Act takes effect and millions of children saved by our right to life legislation reach their fifth birthday and are forced to go to work in order for their parents to qualify for federal subsidies.
I eagerly await your comments.
Sincerely,
Alvin Blackmore
Brilliant!
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